January 17th 2012

Trevor and I had an amazing time on our honeymoon! We both work so hard, and to be able to have an entire week to rest, swim, and ah hem, was a dream come true. We talked about what our dreams were for the future as the new Mr. & Mrs. Bruner. One of the things we are most excited about is having children. When Trevor became an uncle to precious little Christopher Matthew, he was in love. We lived with little Christopher for a month before moving back to California. I remember Trevor putting little Christopher in his carrier, and walking him around the house as he would vacuum. I knew then Trevor would one day be an amazing father.

Although we want kids so bad, we had discussed a timeline on our honeymoon. We would enjoy a few months of marriage, start a savings account together, and start "trying" for baby in April.

When returning from our honeymoon, I started to have these awful chest pains. They were so severe I would have trouble breathing. It got so bad I finally went to go see my doctor. He told me I had "costochlondritus" which is when you have a blow to your chest, and it swells up internally. It sounds serious but he said it wasn't a huge deal, but would go away in a few months after heating the area with a heat pad every night. The only thing I thought could have caused this blow was when we had gone ziplining in Jamaica.

Fast forward to one week after this Dr.'s visit, and I was late for my period. I thought there is no way I could be pregnant. But to make sure I bought three EPT tests at the store. All of which would come back negative. Another week went on. Still no period, still severe chest pains. I decided to go back to the Dr., this time my Mom went with me.

I explained to the Dr. everything that had been going on. He started to worry it might be my heart, and would have me go see a cardiologist. My mom knowing that I had not gotten my period said, "Dr. Frischer... Melissa has not gotten her period. Could this be a side effect of pregnancy?". I told him how I had taken the EPT tests, and that they had all come back negative. He insisted that I go have blood taken to make sure. SO off I went to the blood technician to have my blood drawn.

The next day at work, my mom calls me frantically. "Dr. Frischer's nurse called... she says you need to call her back". Me being the busy bee I am, didn't see the 3 missed calls on my cell from the Dr.'s office. So I called the nurse back, and she said dropped the bomb..."you tested positive. You should make an appt. with your gynochologist as soon as possible." I think my face turned white, I was shaking, and my eyes filled up with tears. I ran out of my office and just cried. I was happy, but caught off guard. What about our plan? I then called Trevor and told him the shocking news "you are going to be a daddy!" He didn't believe me at first, but once he realized I wasn't kidding he was so happy. I gave him a pacifier that read "My Dad rocks when I got home. We were on cloud 9!!!

We then told our family, and closest friends that we were expecting a little baby bruner <3 Based on when I had received my last period, my amazing gyno Dr. Kogan, said the estimated due date was January 17th 2012. We bought Baby Bruner books, started planning nursery decor, started a registry at my favorite Pottery Barn Kids, and studying how to become the best parents we could be. I had all the symptoms; extreme fatigue, breast tenderness, and a little nausea. Although these were annoying, I couldn't help but push those side effects aside. All I could think about was how happy I was to be having a baby with the most amazing man I had ever met. One night I had come home, and Trevor was showing me all the things he had learned in his book "The Expectant Father". He was so proud of his studying, and I couldn't help but tear up. I had the best Dad growing up, and now my baby would have the same. Every night before we went to sleep, Trevor would lean down and kiss me good night, then kiss my tummy and say good night to our sweet little Baby Bruner. We were so excited for this new adventure, and thrilled to become parents even though it wasn't part of the "plan".

One month of planning for the baby's arrival, our dream would crumble down at the ultrasound appointment. This was supposed to be the best appointment. The day we would see our baby for the first time, and get to hear the heart beat. Our sweet Dr. Kogan was having trouble breaking the news to us. There would be no heart beat. We looked at each other with disbelief, and just fell apart right in that office. The nurse would go on to tell me in my next appointment she had never seen a man so in touch and emotional with the loss of the baby. She told me what I already knew "he is going to be a great Dad some day."

No heart beat, meant there would be no baby. No January 17th.

I have found it extremely hard to deal with the loss of our baby. We miscarried naturally two days before I was to have a D&C procedure. To go through losing your child for 9 hours of excruciating physical pain, along with the emotional loss was the worst thing I would ever experience. I feel lucky to have family & friends surrounding us with words of support & love. I have been open with what we have experienced, to honor our lost little angel. I found this quote after reading miscarriage support blogs online.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth. She whispered as she closed the book.... Too Beautiful for this earth."